Don't make out with my wife yet
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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