Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
