You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
