My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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