it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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