he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
