My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
