My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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