Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
