I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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