Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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