Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize
