Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
