Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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