I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
