I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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