Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
you had me at cake vodka
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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