Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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