Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
