she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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