My friends, they love my intelligence
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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