why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
