You work out of a Hotel?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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