im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
