I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
