I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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