R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
