Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Mom said you looked used
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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