Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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