Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
