Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
