My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
