I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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