My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Randomize
