see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
