It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
