If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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