I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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