Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
