Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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