She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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