I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
as a side note pls kill me
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
