My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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