Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
