I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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