First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
