Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
