i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
