you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
