also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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