just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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