I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
